Loss and Change Part 2

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"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you."   Isaiah 43:2.  NKJV

Loss and change affects everyone, we even find this in the Old Testament. Joseph suffered much loss when he was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. The change was difficult for him to negotiate. The changes came quickly.  Being Potiphar's head servant; being accused of attempted rape and thrown into prison; and then becoming Prime Minister.
Then of course, there were the disciples. Meeting with Jesus, having their lives turned upside down and then Jesus dying on the cross and eventual resurrection. 

Loss brings change and this is where it becomes difficult to work through. Colin Murray-Parkes OBE a British psychologist says:

'Grief is the price we pay for love'

This is a very profound statement but explains grief very clearly. There are certain stages that one may go through after someone very close to us, dies. Let us look at these in turn. However, one may not go through these stages as they are written; everyone is different. But they do give us a template to work with. I want us to look at Transition Theory by Barry Hopson, a leading psychologist. I feel this is a good model to work with, but there are several others though.

TRANSITION THEORY

IMMOBILISATION This is probably the first stage that a person goes through when someone close to them dies. It is a feeling of numbness and immense sadness. Life is just totally out of control and it is very difficult to make sense of what has happened. Sleep patterns change as do eating habits, and there really does not seem to be any answers to what has happened or why, even though we may have known time was short. It is a time of shock and possible anger.

MINIMISATION  In this stage, people may deny what has happened. They may go through each day doing the same things, even thinking that their love one will be home in a moment. Denial is a safe place to be. It limits the pain we take on board. However, in the long term, it is not helpful.

DEPRESSION. When realisation creeps in and the above two stages have served very little purpose, it may be easy to slip into a state of depression. Some may not eat properly and may feel like staying in bed for great lengths of time. They may isolate themselves. There is just very little point in anything.

LETTING GO  The first three stages are actually linked with the past - what has happened and how it has affected the individual. A person may travel though the initial stages  having good and bad days for quite a long time. Everyone is different. Eventually, as time goes on, there comes a realisation that there is life out there. The person didn't plan to be alone and grieving but the sun is beginning to shine again. There is a feeling that they may feel that it is time to move on. Strength has returned. This is when it may be time to LET GO of the pain - not the memory of the deceased -  but just to let go of the awful pain and feelings one had and take a step towards moving on, taking the memory of the loved one with them. This is not easy and at any time, they may slip back again.

TESTING  This is stage when people who have let go, may try out new things, perhaps a new hobby or change in lifestyle. Some may even change their image; some may go travelling. Each one is different.

SEARCH FOR A MEANING  In this stage, a person may find themselves reminiscing and wondering why all of this had to happen, especially when everything had seemed to be going well. Questions need answering but rarely are.

INTERNALISATION  This final stage is the acceptance of it all. Hopefully it will be a positive acceptance, one that has taken time to reach and there has been a positive move to go forward.

It must be stressed that, one may not go through these stages as they are written down. A person needs time to process what has happened to them and it may be quite a time before they reach the acceptance stage - if at all. Initially there are 'the firsts,' to go through - anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc. These take a little negotiating.

As a Christian, we still hurt and we still miss the person who has died. It may not help to know the they are now in Heaven; in fact, that may lead to arguing with God, asking Him why He took them away. That is ok. God understands and will offer all the comfort we need as we allow Him to spend time with us. He gives us a promise in the scripture above that He will be with us as we pass through the waters and they will not overflow us. In other words, He will take our hand and walk us through and take us safely to the other side. He will never leave us and will be with us every minute of the day or night. He will not force Himself upon us but will wait patiently until we are ready to speak to Him.

As time goes by, we will have the understanding that our loved one is with Him and are safe and suffering no more. We will also be assured that we will see them again. Of that, every Spirit Filled Christian  can rely on that promise.

Please be aware that this is only the start of analysing what has happened. The loss of a very close loved one is not easy to live with However, time is a great healer and has time goes on, it may be easier to manage and live with.

Copyright 2019 Grahame Howard

dailylifewithjesus@protonmail.com