"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1 NKJV
Children and Marital Breakdown. As human beings, we develop defence mechanisms in order to block pain. Many people have deep-rooted scars that have been caused by living in a dysfunctional family. They may have been subjected to alcoholism, drug abuse, divorce, absent father or mother, excessive anger or abuse in various manners. As a child, you may have been taken into care and the fear of this, together with the loss of familiar surroundings, no matter how bad they may have been, have caused an anger and bitterness that still rules today. This can affect forming new relationships. It may be very difficult to fully trust anyone and there may be suspicion and lack of trust that can be a prominent block to forming friendships. A person such as this, is a survivor, they have had to learn the art of this to get through the life that has been forced upon them. However, this type of survival tactic carries with it mistrust - this person will not allow anyone to get that close to them just in case people are out to hurt them. Therefore, they manage on their own and only give to people a piece of themselves. Does this sound familiar?
Divorce and Relationships. Anyone who has suffered the pain of divorce or breakdown of a relationship, may carry around with them memories that they do not want to re-live again. Many may re-marry after a time but can be reluctant to fully trust their new partner again just in case they hurt them as well. Therefore, they only give about 85% and keep the rest locked behind their protective wall. When this happens, trust is limited and before too long disagreements may begin because the other partner feels left out in the cold. It takes time to build a relationship and the only true way for this to survive is to have God right in the middle of the marriage. Without Him there, the marriage can become very shaky and full of suspicion, mistrust and argument. The partner who was hurt in their first marriage may refuse to give all of themselves and the future of this relationship looks bleak.
Memories. We all have memories, some good and some bad. However, if they affect us in a painful way, the only way round these is to remember that they were in the past. We can never bring back what happened yesterday, however hard we try. The person who has built a defensive wall around themselves may well live in the past, re-living what happened, what might have happened or what should have happened. However, it is futile to keep living in the past, especially if it contains pain. All you are doing is trying to live a life that could never have been and one in which only leads to further heartache. Memories affect us all; a particular piece of music can catapult us back to a special or painful time. We can re-live that memory as the music's playing. but it is only torture to do so. That part of life is over and it is time to move on.
Tomorrow, in our final part of this small series, we will look at ways to be able to move forward and leave the past behind for good.
Copyright 2021 Grahame Howard.
Member of the National Association of Christian Ministers
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